JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
He has no idea 🤡
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*