Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more

DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

me: i don’t like talking about myself

random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’

me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old

Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg

“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”

[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”

I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.