JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Good morning ☺️
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
my lower back watching me try to live my life
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face