JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Simple enough.
it was a valiant fight
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.