Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[holding hands]

Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all

May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

Howl 😭

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…

GET DOWN!

[being buried alive] you missed a spot

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”