Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious

Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”

Me: “Literally just name one.”

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

“no gods no masters” = leo

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

I have a place for everything. The floor.

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.

Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

[walking out of restaurant]

DATE: let’s do this again

ME: thank god I’m starving

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

Buying a well is money well spent.