Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink