Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
what do you want
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?