Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom