Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.

Definitely a first.

It was pretty cool.

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

scares

Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.