Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?

A Candy Cane.

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

Me: Will you marry me?

Her: No

Backing singers: She said no! she said no!

Me: Not now

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.