Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you

me:

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?

Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.

4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?

My wife:

Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

figuring out my emotional availability:

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

him: I got a new tattoo

me: what is it

him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work

me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt

him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat

and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’