Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …

“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house

Nah, I ain’t distracted.

In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

[after getting pulled over]

cop: are you registered

me: i don’t vote

cop: i meant the car

me: no it doesn’t vote either