@TheAndrewNadeau

judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

You Might Also Like

@Whatevah_Amy

If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

@primawesome

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

@BraandoCommando

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

@TheMichaelRock

*wife notices the books all over the floor*

FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!

@GrantTanaka

ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire

@TheUrbanSlangs

Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.

@LostFelicia

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

@collegefession

“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”

– Arcadia