judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead

owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor

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If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.


*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!


“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”


wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese


*wife notices the books all over the floor*



ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire


Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.


RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?


“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”

– Arcadia