If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
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*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
*wife notices the books all over the floor*
FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE’S NO SECRET PASSAGE!
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
Drunk – When you have to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
“College is a cycle of having absolutely nothing to do… to having every possible paper, exam and project due in one day.”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”