Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

channeling her this year

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

Just a friendly reminder!

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

ㅤ

Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.