Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Chicken bread