Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
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Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater