Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

If you’re a mad scientist, put a note in your laboratory reminding you to sometimes be a happy scientist.

Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.