Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

90% of parenting is crumb identification.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Oh the world we live in…

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE