JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
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Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
#IWishIHadNever noticed
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates