@jonnysun

JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok

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@2thestreetz

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

@SteveKoehler22

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

@Home_Halfway

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

@waitfortheQ

My superpower is knocking down the same conditioner every time i shower.

@dlockw21

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

@Mashby811

I think I have a sleeping disorder.

It’s called children

@killazilla

HR- do you know why we called you down here today?
Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride?
HR…
Me- a house landed on your sister

@MRagaab

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

@AlanHungover

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame that they’ll never meet…

@heroinsdemise

I always wonder how Men managed to find entire continents.
Mine can’t even find the butter in the fridge.