JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
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YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
my mind
You just read my mind
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat