Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day

also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.