Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted

Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

* has cake for breakfast

* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber

* blames running shoes

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”