Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.

*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*

*instantly make it worse

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.

[on phone]

Of course I trust you, babe. Always.

*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.

Facebook: Be the first person to like this.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”