Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg

A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

If anyone has any experience with anything or knows anything about something please let me know 🙏

dentist: have you been flossing

me: have you?

dentist: [to assistant] can he do that

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

*runs out of toilet paper*

“Good bye, infinity scarf”

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck