Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
My neighbors planted an eggplant next to their peach tree.
It’s like their very own dirty emoji garden.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.