Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

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Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.


Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.


A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.


Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.


Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.


“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.


Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now


Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus


CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves.

Me: I don’t rake.

CW: Leaves will kill your grass!

Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.


those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat