@dubstep4dads

Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol

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@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@pradogod

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

@HeyitsLori

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

@WilliamAder

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

@KentWGraham

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

@swimmingcatspa

Don’t panic. Keanu Reeves is going to put on a sick leather coat and save us all any minute now

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I’m too dumb to understand what it means.

Let’s see how he likes the name Microphallus

@TheMichaelRock

CW: I spent all weekend raking leaves.

Me: I don’t rake.

CW: Leaves will kill your grass!

Me: I wonder how grass survived before humans.

@OwlFWGKTA

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat