Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
You Might Also Like
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?