Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!

*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*

“Great job, sweetie!”

prepare for carbonated trouble

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

I have the financial security of a much, much younger man

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

[Getting murdered]

Me: oh no

Murderer: yup

Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet

Murderer: oh no

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty