Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

nurse:how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse: what

me: would not recommend

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

Unexpected Judgment

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”

Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”