Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”

Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.

[9 Moscow Mules later]

Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one

The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him