JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
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There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Great Canadian literature.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
A leaf blower, but for people.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.