Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷‍♀️😂

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in physics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.

Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Siri: Retweet me.

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.