Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework

KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato

Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.

“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”

Aliens: WHAT

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear