JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
You Might Also Like
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two