JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
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I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Here’s a meme
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
This was a bad idea all around
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
twitter is a journey
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.