Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote

step 6: release the wall snake

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

ㅤ

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in