Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.

Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.

that’s just… not what monogamy means??

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*

*skinny dips to be on the safe side*

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

This hospital has everything

[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.