Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

😏😏😏

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

you can only post this today

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

E
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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

writers really said: what if homework… was a career.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”