Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

My dad after seeing my solo show this weekend:

“you know, that easily could have been a Netflix special … The quality on those has really gone down a lot”

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it