Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

My rock bottom keeps refreshing

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

#polloftheday

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

i dont have time for this

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

Quadruple digit IQ

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

old twitter is back baby

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.