Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”

I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

her: wanna go upstairs

me: yes

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.