Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?

happy halloween

me: “spends hours with my favourite person”

me as soon as they leave:

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.