JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.