JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
translated into Canadian
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you