Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Scientist: No

Cop: How much science u do tonite?

Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]

Cop: Get out

Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

[Work Lunchroom]

Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?

Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.