Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: why are your eyes dilated

Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love

Mom: what were you looking at

Me: memes

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.

God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”

Frog: “ribbit”

God: “haha, alright man”

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

An avocado is a vegan kinder egg

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.