Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now