Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

My safe word is now just a dry cough.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.

[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

ACED my prostate exam!

I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.