Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?

Yeah, good times

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media