JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
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Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course