Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

[ after a spat ]

Me: Are you still mad at me?

Her: I guess not.

Me: [ reaching for her ]

Good!!!

Her:

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1213960723308658689/pu/vid/720x720/OyWykB_8Q2e0LR_m.mp4?tag=10

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

All set.

For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.

<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife

Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party

They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar