Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saturday

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶

His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything