Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…