Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.

My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

The 4 stages of a family vacation

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?