Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
the rocks need my help
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
*weighs self after shaving
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.