Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”
“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
6. me as a lawyer
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
This made me smile…
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten