Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Exits public bathroom stall

Makes eye contact with the person next in line

Mouths: “I’m so sorry”

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

I just tested negative for patience.

If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.

*unscrews green bulb from porch light*

Ok, I’m done.

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere