Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻‍♀️

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

Her: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?

Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.

Me: No oh 🙁

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.

GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]