Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

*At The Opera*

Her: Where are you going?

Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.

Her: I have the car keys.

Me: Shit!

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.

We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties