judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Turning regret into ulcers since 1996
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?