judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
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Dance like you’re not the father
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.