judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
You Might Also Like
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
