Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?

ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??

get you someone as goofy as you.. is.

Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office