Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.

me: *comes down to grab some water*

mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?

mil: are they happy with you?

me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

I’m sure it’s fine.

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.

so this horse walks into a bar

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

M: so I’ve been thinking

*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*

Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.