Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

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Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide

McDonalds worker: cyanide?

Me: you know what fine


A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year


*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter


At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.


When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”


Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’