Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
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Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I need a headline like this
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Bring back the McRib
So creative 😂
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
A leaf blower, but for people.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*