@IvoryGazelle

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

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@portmanteauface

Me: Hello, yes, I’d like one Big Mac please, no cyanide

McDonalds worker: cyanide?

Me: you know what fine

@GroovyTasia

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

@SocialOutcast82

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

@HeyZeus666

At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.

@GingerHotDish

I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.

@mejustbeth

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

@OneLastStranger

When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”

@ashlar36

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’