Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.

Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!

My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions

who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo

me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Wasps: bees, but not helping

Always a housemaid, never a house.

If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

the zen of frog

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”