Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

[applying for a home loan]

Lender: how much is your car payment

Me: uhh

Lender: what’s your salary before taxes

Me: umm

Lender: do you know anything

Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

If you’re the owner of a feathered chicken suit and you’ve never gotten naked and put it on inside out, get ready for a memorable night.

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers